Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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