YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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