Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
