please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
