Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
