Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My ATM looks so different sober.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Randomize
