You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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