im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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