i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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