Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
