Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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