No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
