Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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