No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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