That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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