morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
