shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
