Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
