im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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