When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
