If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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