god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
