I want to have your abortion
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
if i died would you start the facebook group?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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