And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
