I'm eating all of the evidence.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have already put on my inside pants.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
