Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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