i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
