she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
