guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
