i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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