if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I pour the whiskey from now on
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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