I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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