Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
