girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
