Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
