Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
