my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
