I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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