1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
