So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
how do you play pong handcuffed?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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