??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
