I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
