he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
