They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
