Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
