You're my little dorito
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
