i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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