Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
