I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
