my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
