so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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