when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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