Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Still dying that you shit outside
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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